So You’re At Chipotle…

You aren’t quite sure how it happened. Maybe a coworker mentioned something earlier in the day. Maybe you saw sign while driving yesterday. Maybe you dreamed about Mexican food last night, and your subconscious mind steered you here today for lunch. However it happened, you’re here again. You just pulled in to your local Chipotle for lunch. Wherever you are, no matter the time of day, your Chipotle experience will always include these components.

1) The Line

And this is before they open.

So you walk up to the door and find a kind soul holding the door open for you. Just kidding, they are the end of the line. You take a glance inside to confirm that, yes, the line does in fact wrap around the entire restaurant and right out to the door, where you stand. You briefly consider going somewhere else to eat, but in that instance you smell the grill in the back and you know you’re staying. As you assume your position as designated door-holder, you evaluate the line in front of you. Because there seem to be 42 people making burritos behind the counter, you figure you won’t be in line too long. The line seems to be moving well, so you whip out your iPhone. A few minutes isn’t a big deal if there is a delicious steak burrito waiting for you afterwards.

2) The Other Customers

You glance up from your phone a few minutes later, annoyed that the line seems to have stopped moving. People have piled up around the block behind you, everyone looking at their phones and waiting for that sweet, sweet burrito. The problem is at the counter, the place where you choose your salsa/toppings for the burrito. You don’t know how you missed it earlier, but this lady is clearly the bane of lunch rush. She’s reading from her iPhone, attempting to keep the 8 burritos in front of her straight. There are also 6 quesadillas on the grill behind the counter, and oh wait she forgot she needs to order 3 veggies bowls. If you’re lucky, she will pay the total (probably about $580) and collect money later. If you are having a bad day or are exceptionally hungry, she will pay for each order separately with a wad of cash and debit cards that she has collected previously. The person immediately behind this woman is guaranteed to buy a margarita, even if its 11:15am on Sunday.

3) Ordering

Once that lady clears out the line shifts into overdrive. The workers seem to sense customer frustration and go into overdrive. The manager packs an extra dozen or so people on the line. Before you know it, you are finally at the glass. Almost reverently, you order the steak burrito. The kindly Chipotle minion immediately begins warming your tortilla. “White or brown rice?” he asks you. I’ll usually get the white rice, but I’m known to switch it up. I usually prefer white rice because of the nice cilantro flavor….ok I’m getting off topic. “Black or pinto beans?” he asks next. I have a secret theory that not getting beans results in getting more meat on your burrito, but I haven’t been able to confirm that. So I order no beans.

Boom. Out comes the hot steamy tortilla. Without fail, he will look back at me and say “Which rice do you want?” I will be confused because I ordered white rice exactly 8 seconds ago, and he seems to have no memory of our very special conversation. He will then ask which beans I want (which I don’t actually want, remember) and then he has the gall to ask what kind of meat I want! To his credit this was a whole 30 seconds ago at this point, but I very clearly ordered the sacred steak burrito. Even more confusing is when multiple people team up to warm tortillas, serve rice and beans, and portion meat. I will sometimes order at the tortilla guy, who will communicate my order to the next two people. If that happens, all three of them are guaranteed to ask me at least one more time what my rice/beans/meat combo was.

Good Chipotle customers know that there are some rules. First, don’t change your order. That’s just annoying. Don’t ask for more meat unless you are willing to pay to double the meat (which I totally recommend). If they are even slightly busy (which is always) do NOT order the quesarito. It takes forever, and while it is delicious, everyone will hate you. If you order a bowl, don’t get to the end of the line and ask for a tortilla on the side.

4) Toppings

Hungry yet?

This is where the magic happens. You can choose your salsa. You can choose your toppings. This is where a burrito becomes your burrito. If it’s a lunch rush there will be a committee of nearly 14 people working to serve the ingredients on to your burrito, wrap it, and also keep their ingredients stocked behind the counter. At my local Chipotle the last step is always “What vegetables would you like on this?” Careful examination of the pans in this section will reveal the following ingredient: sour cream, guacamole, shredded cheese, and lettuce. There is only one vegetable in that section, and it’s the wussiest vegetable in existence. I mean, you can add shredded romaine lettuce to just about anything and eat it without realizing it’s there. In no world can sour cream be considered a veggie, and while guacamole is undoubtedly the most delicious substance on the planet, I’m not sure I’d include it in a list of vegetables. That would just be embarrassing for the vegetables.

5) Heading Out

Despite the amount of food in your burrito, a friendly Chipotle minion has somehow managed to wrap your burrito neatly in aluminum foil in the time it took for you to reach for your wallet. Occasionally a burrito becomes so filled with delicious stuff that it breaks, which gives you the opportunity to double your tortilla. You can also have them re-wrap it, but do that at your own risk, as you don’t want to be the guy from section 2 above. The burrito wrapper extraordinaire will whip out a sharpie and graffiti your wrapped burrito before telling the cashier that it is, in fact, a steak burrito. The most shocking part is that this side of the counter has a working memory. The guy that heated my tortilla couldn’t seem to remember anything I ordered, but the cashier acknowledges the information and then uses it. Without asking me. The left side of the counter needs to get up to speed with the right side.

Finally, you can eat your burrito. A steak burrito is so delicious it’s making me want to head over and eat one right now. I totally can. It’s not that far from my house. But I’m off subject again.

While I freely admit that I can eat a lot of food when I want to, after my first bite of burrito I usually wonder if I will be able to finish it this time. Then ten minutes later I look down at my empty aluminum wrapper and think “Not this time, burrito”.

I’ve set myself up perfectly to make a Chipotle poop joke right here. It’s perfect timing, and it’s so easy, but I won’t do it. Everyone else can (even Jimmy Fallon, who does it all the time), but I’m just going to end this post and eat a burrito.

Thanks for reading!

*Full disclosure – I don’t work at Chipotle, receive compensation from Chipotle (unless you work for Chipotle, let’s talk. I’ve seen your bags and cups. I could totally write an ode to guacamole). I just eat there every now and then and like it.

sortadrwordpress@gmail.com

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